when "if" becomes "when"

Yesterday brought a turn of events.  A quite unwelcome one, I might add.  After going to the ER for what we thought was sciatica nerve pain from dad lying down for the past few months, they instead found something else.  A mass on his spine.  His cancer had spread to that area (well... shit.).  Doctors said they could shoot for some clinical trials, and radiation to his spine to try to reduce his pain, but what it comes down to is managing pain and slowing the spread to give us more time.  We knew what that meant.  

It totally sucks.  Completely.  

Mom and I went for a midnight drive to pick up some prescriptions and get gas in the car.  We were sitting at the gas pump talking, and she said something about "when dad dies".  Right then is when it all hit.  I honestly have no idea what she said after that.  Formerly, it was always "if dad dies".  One word can change the meaning of a statement so much.  It becomes real.  It stops being the "what if" game and turns into the "when" game.  It catches you off-guard and throws you into a state of disbelief that you feel you should have recognized sooner.  

These next few months (hey maybe years) will be the hardest ones of our lives, BUT they are shaping up to be some of the most beautiful.  We are being intentional about the time we spend together.  Instead of just watching TV or a movie together, we're actually getting out to see things and experience things.  Almost like a bucket list.  Have the hard conversations.  Go do the things we've always wanted to do together and have said we will. We have to make the most of the time that we have left, because, as dad likes to say, he could have six months, six years, or could get hit by a bus tomorrow.  We have to utilize every single second for what it is worth and make new memories and make this time beautiful.  We will grow closer.  There will be so much love in this house.  There is beauty in suffering.  

Though our family is filled with such deep sadness and fear, there is ironically peace.  Truly a peace that passes all understanding.  You can feel it in the house.  The dense and heavy atmosphere has been replaced with serenity, acceptance, and love.  It makes no sense.  It shouldn't be there, but it is.  

So don't pity us.  PRAY for us.  For strength, guidance, peace, and understanding.  

And when all of the "if"s turn into "when"s, don't be afraid, because they were always "when"s, even though we humans didn't know it.  There is always evidence of God's hand in everything.  Sometimes it's blatant and in your face, but most of the time, you have to search for it a bit.  It's frustrating, because you feel like there is an absence of God, but He is never absent.  

I get the privilege of leading "He Is Faithful" by Bryan and Katie Torwalt this Sunday at Advance.  What perfect timing.  A set that I planned over a month ago would line up so perfectly with the truth that I needed to be forced to be reminded of in a moment.  He IS faithful through our pain, and He will always be present.  

He is faithful 

He is glorious

And He is Jesus

And all my hope is in Him

He is freedom

He is healing right now

He is hope and joy

Love and peace and life

time and exhaustion

I live for the nights when I come home absolutely exhausted.  It means I've had a full day.  The Crucible at Northwest School of the Arts with my sweet friend Posey as one of the leads.  A trip to Amelie's immediately afterward, and tons of French pastries shared between old and new friends.  An impromptu decision to go to a concert with my incredible friend, Allie, and some of her friends, and getting the very last tickets.  Meeting some very cool (and very cute) boys waiting in the line to get into the Evening Muse.  Staying at the Muse until 1:15.  Going to Amelie's for a second time.  

By the time I walked in the door this morning at 2:36, I was worn out, my feet hurt, I had a headache, and my eyes were so heavy.  But it was a great feeling.  My heart was overflowing with joy.  I knew that I was so tired because I spent so much time with people, constantly expending energy, but that's the kind of tired I love so much.  I love to feel exhausted from being with the people I love and care about so much.  

I consider myself an introvert.  I love people, and I love being around people, but I need alone time every single day to stay sane.  I get worn out from being around people for long periods of time, but I know that with every second, I'm making a memory that may be so dear to me in the future.  My dad's fight with cancer has made me realize that your life could be cut short at any moment.  Your friends' lives could be cut short at any moment.  Make the most of the time you have.  Laugh together.  Watch movies together.  Talk about the hard things and answer the difficult questions of life.  Go on random adventures.  Give/get tight hugs.  Snuggle.  Tell people how much you love them.  Cherish the short amount of time that we have on this earth, and squeeze every opportunity out of it.  So be exhausted.  Be worn out, if it means that you get to make the most of the little time you have.  

friends

I have some really great friends.  Through this journey, they have shown themselves to be unfailingly loyal and dependable.  There are a few of them that have been such an incredible blessing to me and I want to brag on them all the time.  

Hannah

This girl has been so good to me.  Always an encouraging word.  Always realistic.  Never tries to tell me what she thinks I want to hear, but tells me the truth.  I appreciate it so much and I love that she and I get to be friends.  She's that person you can always talk to no matter what the circumstances are; whether what you are going to say is embarrassing or weird, or if it's just plain hard to talk about, it's easy because there is zero judgment there.  

Abby

Wow.  Countless evenings drinking tea and chatting.  We go to each other's houses randomly and all the time.  She has such a kind spirit and is always trying to point people toward Christ.  She loves God and loves people so well.  And talk about an amazing voice.  This girl can do some serious singing.  She and I are both learning how to walk the road of becoming worship leaders.  It's not an easy calling, and I'm so proud of her for listening to God and His plan for her.  

Anna

She's been one of my closest friend since 8th grade.  She can immediately tell that something is wrong when she sees me and finds ways to reassure me that everything will be okay.  She is quick to forgive and quick to listen.  I love that, and I love her.  Never ceases to make me laugh.

Allie

We've been friends for less than a year, and in that time, we have gotten to know each other so well.  She loves the Lord, music (especially Hayley Williams/Paramore), and really tight hugs.  We always have honest, heartfelt, sometimes just plain hard conversation.  Now that she's away at college, it's so much more difficult to communicate and have conversation, but she's one of those people I know will always be there and we can pick up right where we left off.  

Kaitlyn

I've known her since 6th grade.  Though we don't get to hang out much, we do talk all the time.  We've called each other in the middle of the night before.  Neither person gets angry that they were awakened.  Everybody needs that friend that you know will answer if you need them in the middle of the night.  She is that for me, but she is also so much more.  I know I can always depend on her to give it to me straight.  We joke that we're "soulmates".  In reference to Grey's Anatomy, I would consider her "my person".  She means more to me than I could ever put into words.  

At Advance this Sunday, we talked about "Me-Friends" and "We-Friends".  "Me-Friends" always focus on themselves; "We-Friends" find ways to place the focus off of themselves.  Those "We-Friends" are some of the most valuable people anyone can have in their lives.  They are those people like Hannah, Abby, Anna, Allie, and Kaitlyn.  I don't get drained talking to them, they lift me up.  

Friends are the people motivating me to keep going through this journey.  They are incredible, and most of them don't even know it.  They lift my spirits and they are so quick to give up time and energy to help push me (sometimes drag me) to where I'm going.  I'm grateful for all of them.  I would not be able to go through any of this without them, and I love them all.  I just pray that one day I can be a rock for them the way they have been one for me.  

fasten your seat belts, because we're on an emotional roller coaster

The past 48 hours have held the widest range of emotions.  Wednesday, dad had a scan and got the results that same day.  The radiologist that was on-call at the time interpreted the scan as the chemo not working to shrink his tumors.  We were discouraged and disappointed.  That meant that the months of feeling awful and having no energy felt like they were in vain.  It also meant that surgery was off the table, which then in turn meant that we would be seeking out clinical trials to hope that some experimental drug or procedure would cure him.  Nothing proven to work.  Running out of options.  Terrifying.  Dad and I had quite an emotional conversation about what the future held and things he wanted me to be taking care of if, in fact, he was going to die soon.  There were tears and a deep sadness.  We started the process of preparing ourselves for what was most likely to come: death.  and soon.  It was scary.  I sent out texts to my circle of people that I keep updated on the journey.  Lots of encouraging words and prayer sent by my sweet friends.  The next day, I felt heavy and had to figure out a way to pull myself through school and through work that evening.  People asked if I was okay.  I said I was fine, but I just didn't want to have to explain what was going on until I had enough time to process.  

I get home that evening.  Going through the motions.  Put my guitar down after work.  Sit down at the table to eat dinner.  Look through Twitter on my phone.  Dad called mom upstairs.  I thought nothing of it, until mom came back downstairs.  The short of it is, dad's doctor had looked at the scans with higher resolution and gotten another radiologist and the liver surgeon to look at the scans, and they came to a conclusion that his tumors were still there, but showed DEAD SPOTS.  His tumors are dead.  Which meant that chemo was effective.  Which meant that surgery was back on the table.  And that meant we had options.  We had a chance.  And we had HOPE.  I immediately began weeping.  Tears of joy streamed down my face.  I wanted to go and dance and scream and praise God at the top of my lungs, not caring what anyone thought of me.  I sent out another text to that group of people.  This time, with GOOD news.  I got to share such an incredible, joyous, encouraging moment with so many people.  Praise was given to God.  Tears of joy were cried.  Songs of hope were sung.  I came to school today with a smile on my face and wanting to tell anyone I came in contact with about how great our God is.  Because He is good ALL the time.  

So in the past 48 hours, I have felt the lowest of the lows, and the highest of the highs.  I praise God for what He is doing.  For the beautiful story that He is writing.  Beauty rises from ashes.  From what seems like destruction and heartbreak.  It is those moments that He chooses to use for His glory.  We only have to trust that He knows what He is doing, and that it will all work together for our good.  And that is not an easy thing to do.  We say those words all the time, but fail to realize the intensity that trust Him takes.  To push our doubts out of our mind.  To hold our heads up and say there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  To still say that God is good, even through the heartache.  It is so incredibly hard, but the moment that we realize everything in life has purpose, it makes it just a little bit easier to believe.  So thank you everyone who has been praying fervently for him.  For interceding on our behalf.  God is still in the miracle business, people.

a night of freedom

Tonight, I had the privilege of seeing David Crowder's Neon Steeple tour.  Originally, I didn't want to go because I thought the $30 ticket was way too much.  So dad said "I really think you should go" and handed me the money to buy my ticket.  I rushed toward FHC immediately after work, fearing there would be traffic and I wouldn't end up getting a ticket.  But as I was driving on I-485 toward Johnston Road, there was not one single moment when I saw brake lights ahead of me.  ZERO traffic in a usually jammed stretch of unfinished highway.  I arrived at church around 6:30 and was able to purchase a ticket at the tent outside.  I was expecting to either get caught in traffic and not be able to get a ticket, or was worried that tickets would be sold out when I got there.  

So I started thinking, "wow.  God must really want me here tonight".  I saw my dear, dear friend Abby when I walked in and she asked me to sit with her, her boyfriend, and a few other people.  I, of course, go to sit with them (who better to hang out with than church friends?).  All of us sitting in that row are either worship leaders or have such a strong passion for worship.  We stood in the front while All Sons and Daughters was leading us in worship and closed our eyes, lifted our hands, cried if we needed to, and sang at the top of our lungs.  I felt free.  Free to cry.  Free to raise my hands.  Free to be silent.  Free to sing as loudly as I could.  

I started realizing that worship is not something that has to be done in one specific way.  You don't have to sing perfectly in tune or raise your hands at the right time.  You can kneel, sit, stand, lay face down on the floor.  You can be silent, sing louder than anyone else, or sing only when you feel led to.  Worship is so much more than singing along to songs and going through the motions.  It comes from the heart.  An outpouring of the love we have for the Father.  

Every time I have opened my mouth to sing lately, I make sure that I'm only singing something that I truly believe.  If I'm singing "Great are you, Lord" I want to know that I believe it.  And you know what?  I do.  Tonight helped me to realize that even when we are aching, exhausted, devastated, heartbroken, God is still great and He still loves us.  So it's okay to be singing "great are you, Lord" with tears streaming down your face because you are saying that He is great even through the circumstances of life that are wearing you down.  

Crowder was PHENOMENAL.  I was not expecting it to be so much fun.  From electronic music to an acoustic, front-porch style singing of some old songs, to a straight up hoedown, I worshiped, danced around, looked like a fool, and had no shame about doing so.  Being David Crowder, we ended the night with "How He Loves".  It started out with the standard recording of it, with full band, and slowly, band members left the stage until it was just David and his acoustic guitar.  He led us in the chorus over and over.  "He loves us.  Oh how He loves us".  I kept singing.  Kept repeating from my heart to my voice.  I eventually opened my eyes and realized that David had left the stage and the congregation was still singing that beautiful chorus.  I had gotten lost in worship and in the beauty of the Father.  My heart forgot the pain of what is happening around me.  It released all of those fears, anxieties, and burdens for a time long enough to unashamedly and completely worship Him.  

Thank You, God, for working everything out for me to go tonight.  For giving me time to worship you and not have any hindrances around me.  Thank you for the freedom that You give to us.  

a weekend of rest

This weekend, I had no commitments, no schedules, nothing holding me down.  It was a weekend off from playing in the band for weekend services at church and for leading worship at Advance in Fort Mill.  Though I love those things with all of my heart, and it brings me such joy, a weekend of rest was exactly what I needed.  

I slept until noon on Saturday (sleep is one of my favorite past times).  I felt rested, peaceful, and energized.  I got outside on the beautiful day that God provided and washed mine and my mom's cars.  I stood in the sunshine and felt its warmth cover me.  It made me grateful for the time that I had to just relax.  Later, my dear friend Kaitlyn and I spent the late afternoon/evening at the park, eating the junk food we had brought to share, and having good conversation and laughs until my stomach hurt (probably from all the junk food we had just consumed).  I came home from the park and got to spend time with my family while watching Ms. Doubtfire (arguably one of the best Robin Williams movies).  We laughed.  We exchanged glances.  We were together.  I went to bed that evening feeling happy and grateful for the time.  

This morning, I got up out of bed early enough to go to the 9:30 service at church.  One of my closest friends, April, was home from college for the weekend and I got to stand/sit by her and worship alongside her, something I have missed terribly with her being away.  There were tight hugs, smiles, laughs, and another tough goodbye as we parted ways.  After I came home from the service, I felt like I had enough energy to go to the gym, so I did!  It had been months since the last time I had worked out because of stress and responsibilities that left me little to no free time.  I listened to worship music, I had sweat dripping everywhere, and I completely wore myself out, yet had a ton of energy at the same time.  On my way  home, this small little yorkie had gotten loose in the neighborhood.  So I pulled over, turned my hazards on, and taunted the little guy with the pizza crust from my breakfast (so much for eating a well-balanced breakfast).  He was the sweetest little dog and it made me so nervous for him to just be running around while cars sped by.  I handed him off to a neighbor to hang onto him until the owners came by and got him.  Mom had lunch ready for me when I got home, and I sat on the couch, watching New Girl and eating, and just winding down.  Later, I'll head to Advance dressed as someone straight out of the extremely tacky 80s for our 80s Double Dare night.  There will be fellowship, laughs, and messiness, and I'm so looking forward to it!  

To all the people who have been praying for me, my dad, and my family:  
thank you for praying for us.  Especially those who have been praying for peace that passes all understanding.  There was absolutely no reason for me to be at peace this weekend, but I was.  I can only attribute it to God saying "here's a break.  be free for a time".  Instead of worrying what the next few months are going to hold, I focused on the moment.  the feelings I was having.  the quality time with close friends.  the adventures that were to be had.  Thank you, Jesus, for being faithful when I have no faith.  For being strong when I am broken and weak.  For having a plan when all I can do is worry.  You are the glue that is holding me together during this time, and forever.  And thank you, people, for holding me and my family up when we feel like we can't go on.  For interceding on our behalf when we are angry at God.  For providing for our every need when all we want to do is sit around and cry.  Thank you a million times over.  You have blessed us so infinitely throughout this journey.  


"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:7

true worship

This evening, my sweet friend Kaitlyn sent me a text simply asking, "how are you doing?".  I was honest with her, things have been better.  She responded not with some cliche "God has a plan for everything" line, but with something real, acknowledging that what's going on absolutely sucks.  I am eternally grateful for her friendship.

My friends are the best.  I seriously don't know how I would be making it through all of this without them!  From bringing us meals, cleaning our house, or just lending a listening ear and offering a hug, they have been such a blessing.  Every person that knows what is going on with my dad has been so quick to offer up anything they can give to help.  The kindness, selflessness, and generosity everyone has showed has been uplifting beyond words.  

Lately, spending time with dad has consisted of sitting in his room with him and watching baseball or Family Feud on TV together.  It may not be getting into deep conversation or anything, but we talk about how sloppy that last play was.  Or how smooth that hit looked.  Or how amazing that catch was.  Baseball is such a beautiful game that we both love (and can actually understand).  We may not be asking and answering the hard questions of life, but we are able to spend time together.  Sometimes, there's no talking at all.  Just a simple, "how was your day?" replied to with a "good" or sometimes "not so good".  And that is okay.  Taking advantage of all of the time that we have is so necessary.  We say our "I love you"s as I walk out of his room, and into mine.  Somehow, it makes everything feel okay for a bit.  

The lyrics to the Bethel version of "It Is Well" have been speaking to me recently.  It brings a strange sense of peace to me and helps my heart to be still for a moment.  

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
And seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on you
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on you
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you
It is well
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
The waves and wind still know His Name

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

A few weeks ago, I played acoustic guitar at church and was kind of in the shadows, but I was able to watch the vocalists and how they were worshipping.  One woman on our team, Kasandra, was just diagnosed with breast cancer.  SHE WAS UP THERE SINGING THOSE WORDS.  It moved me to tears to see that in the darkest moment, our souls can find a way to trust and say "Lord, no matter what, it is well with me".  

So truly, I want to be like Kasandra.  To worship freely and trustingly, even in my darkest hour.  

purpose

My father was diagnosed with cancer on May 21st, 2014.  After more pathology had been done on the masses they found in his liver, the doctors discovered that he had stage 4 colon cancer that had metastasized to the liver.  Through the past 5 months or so, things have been good, things have been bad, and things have been very, very difficult.  Trusting God and his plan for my family has been extremely hard.  Even impossible at times.

So I decided to start a blog.  And REALLY write about things going on,  things I'm learning through this journey.  The title, "finding peace through the pain" is what my heart is attempting to do at the moment.  To find peace in the midst of the pain and the fear.  Things I say may sound dark or morbid, but that's the reality of what is happening.  It truly is dark and morbid.  

I cope through music.  hugs.  crying.  a good dessert.  positive words.  distractions.  It all works together to make every day a bit more bearable.  The thought of losing my dad is terrifying to me.  There is a time to mourn and grieve, but living each day with a purpose and a goal is huge in finding a sense of peace and trusting that things will be okay, no matter what the outcome may end up being. The odds for my dad aren't good.  Maybe around a 5% chance of survival, but there's STILL 5%!  God is still in the miracle business, and He does heal, whether that be our view of physical healing, or healing by being united with Him in Paradise.  

So my soul will cry.  It will scream.  It will be angry.  But ultimately, in the end, it will say:

IT IS WELL