when "if" becomes "when"

Yesterday brought a turn of events.  A quite unwelcome one, I might add.  After going to the ER for what we thought was sciatica nerve pain from dad lying down for the past few months, they instead found something else.  A mass on his spine.  His cancer had spread to that area (well... shit.).  Doctors said they could shoot for some clinical trials, and radiation to his spine to try to reduce his pain, but what it comes down to is managing pain and slowing the spread to give us more time.  We knew what that meant.  

It totally sucks.  Completely.  

Mom and I went for a midnight drive to pick up some prescriptions and get gas in the car.  We were sitting at the gas pump talking, and she said something about "when dad dies".  Right then is when it all hit.  I honestly have no idea what she said after that.  Formerly, it was always "if dad dies".  One word can change the meaning of a statement so much.  It becomes real.  It stops being the "what if" game and turns into the "when" game.  It catches you off-guard and throws you into a state of disbelief that you feel you should have recognized sooner.  

These next few months (hey maybe years) will be the hardest ones of our lives, BUT they are shaping up to be some of the most beautiful.  We are being intentional about the time we spend together.  Instead of just watching TV or a movie together, we're actually getting out to see things and experience things.  Almost like a bucket list.  Have the hard conversations.  Go do the things we've always wanted to do together and have said we will. We have to make the most of the time that we have left, because, as dad likes to say, he could have six months, six years, or could get hit by a bus tomorrow.  We have to utilize every single second for what it is worth and make new memories and make this time beautiful.  We will grow closer.  There will be so much love in this house.  There is beauty in suffering.  

Though our family is filled with such deep sadness and fear, there is ironically peace.  Truly a peace that passes all understanding.  You can feel it in the house.  The dense and heavy atmosphere has been replaced with serenity, acceptance, and love.  It makes no sense.  It shouldn't be there, but it is.  

So don't pity us.  PRAY for us.  For strength, guidance, peace, and understanding.  

And when all of the "if"s turn into "when"s, don't be afraid, because they were always "when"s, even though we humans didn't know it.  There is always evidence of God's hand in everything.  Sometimes it's blatant and in your face, but most of the time, you have to search for it a bit.  It's frustrating, because you feel like there is an absence of God, but He is never absent.  

I get the privilege of leading "He Is Faithful" by Bryan and Katie Torwalt this Sunday at Advance.  What perfect timing.  A set that I planned over a month ago would line up so perfectly with the truth that I needed to be forced to be reminded of in a moment.  He IS faithful through our pain, and He will always be present.  

He is faithful 

He is glorious

And He is Jesus

And all my hope is in Him

He is freedom

He is healing right now

He is hope and joy

Love and peace and life